Just as soon as I opened blogger and began contemplating what to write for a blog post, Like It Or Leave It by Aly & AJ switched on on my phone and memories of middle school flooded my head (since I have not really listened to Aly & AJ since I was 12). For some reason, hearing this song made me think of A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. I really don't know why, my mind does weird things I guess.
One of the lyrics is "It's gonna be brilliant / Like it or leave it I can't help but feel like / I'm one, one in a million" and literally my head snapped up thinking about how that was basically Stephen. Throughout the entire book we see Stephen feeling like he's special, different, 'one in a million'. We see Stephen separate himself from the others over and over again. He discussed a lot in class about the scene where the sound of other children playing thoroughly annoyed Stephen (making him, in my opinion, quite a presumptuous little child). He also sets himself apart from the others at the birthday party we went to (the night he first met Emma). He even continues the trend years later on the beach in chapter 4, when he sees some school buddies fooling around in the water right before he has his epiphany.
I haven't finished the novel yet (I still have the last section of chapter 5 to read) but I don't know (and highly doubt) Stephen's feelings of superiority and difference change. Before anyone tries to jump down my throat, I know that feeling different from others is not the same as feeling superior, but Stephen on multiple occasions thinks about how the others are childish and immature and below him. We see this all the way to chapter 5 when he missed class at university and he was basically thinking about how he didn't need to be there.
He also doesn't seem ashamed of feeling this way -- actually, ashamed is not the right word, it's way too harsh. I'm not trying to be super critical, I just don't know the right way to describe it. Stephen doesn't seem to care much at all if people agree with him or not. It's actually very much a "like it or leave it" mentality. This is especially seen in chapter 5 on pages 268 and 269 when Stephen stays adamant in his refusal to serve and keeps his disbelief in the church and his country (or "fatherland"), despite that Cranly warns Stephen that this could lead him to a very lonely life.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
My Fear of Coming of Age
I don't want to grow up.
The main reason I haven't posted anything on this blog yet is because I'm terrified. 'Coming of Age' is such a weird concept and it forces me to think about 'growing up', which is such a convoluted concept. I just read Tim's post, and it made me think about a thought process I've had since I was little. I was going to comment about it, but then I realized that I can kind of do what he did and flesh out my comment idea for one of the blog posts I've been trying to procrastinate on.
The thing is, when I was in 2nd grade I looked at the 5th graders and thought they were so big and incredible and awe-inspiring. And yet when I was in 5th grade myself I still saw myself as a small child in comparison. I guess that's kind of what Tim means when he said he made the realization that he would always be looking up to someone or some group of people (or maybe he was talking about something completely different). The point is, I never made this realization, even now that I'm talking about it. Or like... I know that there will always be people older than me and all that but right now I am a junior, and yet when I look at some other juniors they seem to look older and more mature (this is more frequent in Juniors from other schools, not the ones I've been around for four years already).
I don't know how to interpret this, but I'm sure this has something to do with my inner insecurities of not knowing what to do with my life and fear of making the wrong decisions and having to take responsibility of myself. When I was younger I couldn't wait to grow up and be responsible and mature, but now that a have a more realistic view of the world that isn't the case. But maybe me having to face this and overcome a fear of adulthood and responsibility and consequences just goes to show that that I am making progress on my own coming of age journey.
The main reason I haven't posted anything on this blog yet is because I'm terrified. 'Coming of Age' is such a weird concept and it forces me to think about 'growing up', which is such a convoluted concept. I just read Tim's post, and it made me think about a thought process I've had since I was little. I was going to comment about it, but then I realized that I can kind of do what he did and flesh out my comment idea for one of the blog posts I've been trying to procrastinate on.
The thing is, when I was in 2nd grade I looked at the 5th graders and thought they were so big and incredible and awe-inspiring. And yet when I was in 5th grade myself I still saw myself as a small child in comparison. I guess that's kind of what Tim means when he said he made the realization that he would always be looking up to someone or some group of people (or maybe he was talking about something completely different). The point is, I never made this realization, even now that I'm talking about it. Or like... I know that there will always be people older than me and all that but right now I am a junior, and yet when I look at some other juniors they seem to look older and more mature (this is more frequent in Juniors from other schools, not the ones I've been around for four years already).
I don't know how to interpret this, but I'm sure this has something to do with my inner insecurities of not knowing what to do with my life and fear of making the wrong decisions and having to take responsibility of myself. When I was younger I couldn't wait to grow up and be responsible and mature, but now that a have a more realistic view of the world that isn't the case. But maybe me having to face this and overcome a fear of adulthood and responsibility and consequences just goes to show that that I am making progress on my own coming of age journey.
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