I don't want to grow up.
The main reason I haven't posted anything on this blog yet is because I'm terrified. 'Coming of Age' is such a weird concept and it forces me to think about 'growing up', which is such a convoluted concept. I just read Tim's post, and it made me think about a thought process I've had since I was little. I was going to comment about it, but then I realized that I can kind of do what he did and flesh out my comment idea for one of the blog posts I've been trying to procrastinate on.
The thing is, when I was in 2nd grade I looked at the 5th graders and thought they were so big and incredible and awe-inspiring. And yet when I was in 5th grade myself I still saw myself as a small child in comparison. I guess that's kind of what Tim means when he said he made the realization that he would always be looking up to someone or some group of people (or maybe he was talking about something completely different). The point is, I never made this realization, even now that I'm talking about it. Or like... I know that there will always be people older than me and all that but right now I am a junior, and yet when I look at some other juniors they seem to look older and more mature (this is more frequent in Juniors from other schools, not the ones I've been around for four years already).
I don't know how to interpret this, but I'm sure this has something to do with my inner insecurities of not knowing what to do with my life and fear of making the wrong decisions and having to take responsibility of myself. When I was younger I couldn't wait to grow up and be responsible and mature, but now that a have a more realistic view of the world that isn't the case. But maybe me having to face this and overcome a fear of adulthood and responsibility and consequences just goes to show that that I am making progress on my own coming of age journey.
I really like this blog post and definitely resonate with what you're trying to say. I hope everyone has the same internal feelings I do because I always have the feeling that I don't really know what I'm doing. My calling isn't exactly as clear-cut as Stephen's in the book. I feel like nobody knows what to do with their lives until they really settle into a groove along the way paved by life choices. I hope that makes sense.
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ReplyDeleteHonestly Tiye, I feel the same way. I remember first coming to Uni, and seeing the different seniors around and feeling as though they were so big (mostly because I hadn't hit my growth spurt yet) and powerful (not in a tyrannial way). But now, half way done with my junior year, I still feel the same. I feel like the senior classes are getting smaller year after year. I feel like I will never fill the shoes of those ahead of me. I don't necessarily have a fear of adulthood like you, but I am confused and wonder when/ if it will ever happen. Whether I declare my adulthood like Stephen or it happens quietly, I honestly don't know and it kind of worries me.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to Darren's feeling of being unsure of my calling, and also with your assessment of your fellow juniors from other schools. I've always felt the same way--that the kids my age from other schools seemed so much more grown-up, more prepared to deal with the "real world." Maybe it was just that they wore more make-up than me, or maybe it was that their makeup reminded me of high-school movies in which characters were so much more adult than my friends and me. Could be (and likely is) a case of the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side. A statement of support: your frankness is admirable. You handle your terror with a steady hand. At least you're going into your future with that skill in your bag.
ReplyDeleteThat is what I meant totally. I also have a similar feeling of always looking up to people in my class. More recently I have figured that probably everyone feels similarly (except egotistical people etc.) so I just ignore it. It sorta follows the idea of how I see my inner thoughts, but only the outer behaviors of others, and I feel a lot more insecure/stupid than they seem, but we are probably pretty similar Not sure if that made any sense, but just pretend that it was super smart, and if you come to any ground-breaking realizations after reading this, just assume that my comment here planted the seeds of that epiphany.
ReplyDeleteIt's so true! When I came to Uni I was pretty terrified of the juniors and seniors, but now when I talk to subbies I don't even have a passing thought of them being afraid of me. Yet, when I was a subbie, I couldn't even imagine five whole years passing by. In my eyes now, I don't seem nearly opinionated, tall, scary, smart, or senior-ish enough. It's weird how coming of age can stem from two things, it can be determined from those around you, and it can be determined from your own experiences.
ReplyDelete(This is going to sound more distressed than I actually am about all this.) Yeah, same here, Tiye. If you've got nothing specific to work towards (no vocation like Stephen's), all growing up entails is leaving home coupled with the piling up of responsibility and expectations. Stephen feels as though he needs to get away from Ireland, but I can't imagine life away from the house I've grown up in and all of my friends. It used to be that people of a certain age would look younger and younger, but now I continually marvel at how old all us juniors look. Just today someone said to me (about the subbies) "Were we ever that small?" and I thought, "since when have we not been?". My mind is stuck. There's nothing it wants and nothing it's trying to escape: it doesn't want to progress. Whether I like it or not, soon it's going to have to.
ReplyDeleteTiye this post is so relatable! I feel the same way. It is extremely scary thinking about growing up yet that's pretty much all I thought about when I was younger. I couldn't wait to get out of the house, to travel the world, but now I'm a bit more hesitant. I feel that I don't have a purpose I can pursue and until I do have one, I just want to stay in my comfort zone of childhood and never leave. But I know that's not going to happen because part of growing up is facing your fears. live you said.
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